I'm so glad to be child-free today

I cried when I got home from lab because 2 of my rats died, even though I did everything I could for them. I didn't have to pull myself together to keep from upsetting a child or because I had to take care of it. I didn't have to explain it or tell any myths to gloss over the reality of death. I was free to grieve and then to think through what I need to learn from this experience. I am so glad that I don't have to try to explain to a child that I wholeheartedly support animal research but that doesn't mean that I'm not affected when I see a rat suffering. I'm glad that I don't have to explain that while I support animal research, I despise animal cruelty - that even though I know my experiments cause suffering, I do everything I can to minimize it. I'm glad I don't have to explain how it is that I can value every rat's life and say a prayer to ask its forgiveness for the pain I've caused it and to express my gratitude for what I will learn from it, but that the reason we use rats for research is because somehow they aren't as valuable as humans.

Fuck you all

The Bitch
CARE ALEJANDRO DE MI CORAZON...UN DIA COMO HOY SOLIAMOS CAMINAR POR AHI Y MAMARLE GALLO A LA VIDA......ESPERO QUE LA PASES SUPER JUNTO A TU ESPOSITA..........TE QUIERO DESDE COLOMBIA BEBEBEBEBSSOSOSOSOSOSOS

December 24, 2010 at 12:59pm · Like · Comment · See Friendship
Alejandro Senhorita... todavia caminamos. Caminamos todos los dias, y cenamos juntos varias veces por semana.
Porque te llevo en mi corazon. Porque haces parte de mi.
Te quiero muchisimo.

Felices fiestas, Para vos, tu herman"ito" y los padres.

Si les puedes decir que se hechen una horacion por mi, y me envien sus bendiciones, me haran un hombre muy feliz. Siempre se les recuerda con carinho.

Un abrazote.
December 25, 2010

I hate my husband. I hope that he doesn't come home from soccer tonight. Maybe he should go live with his precious siiiiiiister instead so that he can be free to worship her and her fuck trophy 24/7, and talk all the shit he wants with the fucking hoes from "his hemisphere." it's too bad he had my iPad engraved; otherwise, he could give it to his slut after I shove it up his ass. (Or maybe she won't care that it has another woman's name on it. Well, I'll help them out and just scratch it off.) Asshole looked at me with his big stupid eyes and asked, "So it bothers you to be with a guy who has a past that has happy memories?" No, fuck face. It bothers me that you know it causes trouble when you have this kind of shit on facebook, but you continue to do it.
Last night I dreamt that he pulled up the driveway and I saw him making out with some other girl in his car. I guess I have to accept the fact that it's not just a bad dream. Sad thing is, this should've been a great day for me, because I learned how to do 2 new procedures and did them successfully on my own with 2 rats. But instead I'm pissed off and depressed. I've deactivated my FB account and removed all of Alejandro's contact info from my phone and email. I deleted all emails between us from my school and personal accounts. I tore up and burned the love note that he had left me on some random page of my notebook for me to find sometime while I was reading - the one that made me blush, that I thought was so fucking sweet. Fuck him. I don't wanna hear "it's cultural." No, motherfucker, it's inconsiderate. Maybe he should just go back to his own precious fucking culture.

More about yesterday's shooting

This is a comment on NPR's story about Jared Lee Loughner.

Eddie Jordan (skidro) wrote:
The people are sick of the government acting outside of the Original Constitution. Our Constitution has been ammended so many times that the founding fathers would not even undderstand it. While I feel sorry for the victims here there is, without doubt, a revolution coming to this country that would make the civil war look like a huntiing accident. It is not illegal to say you are going to kill 500 people, unless you name at least one. "Load them muskets and get behind the walls boys, theys a revolution a brewin and shine to be drank". It had to start somewhere. Sorry, thats just how I feel!
January 9, 2011 1:16:24 PM EST

I don't have a snappy response. I'm sorry too that that's how "Eddie Jordan" feels.

I read a lot of comments, both before and after the sheriff's press conference, about how use of violent imagery in political commentary/campaigning may have contributed to this crime, andjust as many saying, in effect, "They didn't mean it literally, no one could've predicted that something like this could happen!" There was even a post defending Sarah Palin's "target map" because "it didn't have bulls eyes, it had surveyor's marks."

Oooohh! Thank you for clarifying! I thought that Sarah Palin was all about "reload," but now I see that she was evoking the powerful, universally-meaningful symbol of the surveyor! I don't know anyone who wouldn't immediately, at a gut level, get that. Now, I know that Sarah Palin's fans are all highly literate, and well-versed in the arts of symbolism and metaphor*, so it's hard for them to believe that there would be anyoneso obtuse as to misinterpret her words. But that's my point...when you give a speech, you have to think about everyone who will hear it, not just those in your little fucking bubble who have already bought into your bullshit. You have** to have some kind of editing process in which you think through how effectively your words convey your intended meaning, and if they could be misconstrued. You don't just assume you can say whatever you want, and everyone who hears will know exactly what you mean! Yes, it seems like Jared Lee Loughner was mentally abnormal. But even mentally sound individuals turn cruel when they are constantly bombarded by words of hate and violence.***

*Not really.
**Ok, you don't have to, obviously; you can have verbal diarrhea instead (I'm looking at you, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann!).
***I wish people would act like words mean things, because they do.

All I wanted to do was find some chemical data on the Internets

And I discovered that somebody shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) at a Safeway in Tuscon. Of course I started following the story, in part because yesterday I heard Rep Giffords being interviewed on NPR and she sounded suspiciously pleasant and reasonable. Who is this asshole?!, I wondered. What was he thinking? So of course I had to check it out when NPR published an update with the gunman's name and a link to his YouTube channel. I watched all the videos available, and concluded that his cognitive processes were seriously disturbed. (Also, the music sounded really creepy.) Luckily for me, the Interweb is full of people who have all the answers and are eager to share them (and tell you how stupid your opinions are), sometimes even in a semi-coherent manner. Less luckily for me,
some of these helpful people seem to be batshit crazy. I would like to stop reading stupid comments on news sites, but I can't seem to look away,* even when I'm ready to stroke out. Here are some of my favorites.

AMo on Jan 8, 4:19 PM said:
From his YouTube site:

"Books:
I had favorite books: Animal Farm, Brave New World, The Wizard Of OZ, Aesop Fables, The Odyssey, Alice Adventures Into Wonderland, Fahrenheit 451, Peter Pan, To Kill A Mockingbird, We The Living, Phantom Toll Booth, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Pulp,Through The Looking Glass, The Communist Manifesto, Siddhartha, The Old Man And The Sea, Gulliver's Travels, Mein Kampf, The Republic, and Meno."


Communist Manifesto and Mein Kampf stand out, the others are from a typical high school reading list.

Assuming that this information is even accurate, I think it's interesting that so many commenters cite his mention of The Communist Manifesto as proof that the shooter was left-leaning. By that logic he must also be right-leaning, because Mein Kampf and We the Living are on his "favorite books" list, too.**

Wolf Pack (ThisIsMyBoomstick) wrote:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/08/jared-lee-loughner-gabrielle-giffords-shooter_n_806243.html

Odd that the shooter seems more towards the left than the right. Likes the communist manifest, mien kempf, is an atheist. Doesn't sound like a bible toting, right wing lunatic to me.

*it's like when there's a clown at the hospital to traumatizevisit the sick kids, and I can't take my eyes off him even though I'm fucking terrified of clowns.
**Although apparently Hitler's writings are overflowing with "left-wing" ideology, according to some of the fine folks on Sarah Palin's Facebook.

Cj Webster The man, Jared Lee Loughner was a LEFT-WING NUT! He listed the Communist Manifesto and Mein Kampf has two of his favourite books. He didn't like Rep. Giffords because she was a Blue Dog Dem and was too moderate. He wanted a communist or socialist revolution. Don't try to fool us Libs, he was one of you. He was not a right-wing nut job like you want us to believe.

Excuses are like assholes

Marisol was supposed to return yesterday to repay Alejandro for the money he wasted faxing her papers. She didn't (surprise!),and guess why! "Because of the weather forecast." Her SUV(which she had to have because she had a baybee)couldn't handle 1.5" of snow that fell overnight and 100% gone from the highway in the morning?! Why can't this bitch just say, "Since I was already in town, I decided to stay here for the weekend with Enrique instead of having him drive to my place on Saturday night and back to his business on Tuesday morning"? That is a perfectly reasonable plan. Why does she have to make up a excuse to do something that makes sense? And why does the excuse have to be so transparently lame?

Crisis of the day, immigration edition

So today I stayed home to read because there was nothing in the lab that I had to do. I was reading a paper in bed when my cell phone rang; I only answered because I recognized the area code as being from Newark, where Alejandro used to work with his BIL. It was Enrique, who said he desperately needed to speak with Alejandro. After I handed the phone to my husband, I heard a female voice, and immediately realized that I had been duped into participation in yet another of Marisol's fucking dramas.
Today the crisis is that she was calling from or from near a USCIS field office, and had forgotten her passport. She asked Alejandro, who of course immediately agreed because she's his siiister, to go to her house (20' away)' find the fucking passport, and fax it somewhere. Yes, it is easy enough to forget something when you have to take a whole fucking library of papers and forms to USCIS every trip, but Marisol is the bitch who told me, shortly after we got married, that alejandro's papers were our problem now, and she was washing her hands of them because Alejandro was an adult and she had her own life to worry about. (FTR I have no disagreement with this; I thought, and still think, that it is perfectly reasonable because I'm the one petitioning for A. to become a permanent resident and eligible for employment and enrollment in a university.*) I just think it's an interesting double standard - she's not responsible for his papers,** but in a pinch, he's responsible for hers.

-------------------
*Especially since she already fucked his status up enough by panicking when his car, with papers inside, was stolen, instead of just having him fill out the form to replace lost or stolen documents. And why did she panic? Well, at the time she was 5 months pregnant and if Alejandro had to leave the country, Enrique wouldn't be able to go to every damn dcotor's appointment with her because he'd have to run his own damn business. So all the problems with his papers are basically her fault because she was self-centered.
**Seriously, I don't mind. She has already done enough damage.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been about 5 hours since Alejandro went to send the fucking faxes. It wasn't just his dear siiiiiister's passport. It was also her husband's passport, and all their other immigration-related documents. It would have taken them less time to drive home and get the papers, then drive back to the field office. And it would've cost less too, since it was $96.75 at Staples.

40 lame excuses to spawn

This is from Karen Edmisten, http://karenedmisten.blogspot.com/2007/10/40-reasons-to-have-kids.html. There are a lot of blogs and other stuff published online by people who disagree with her, and I'm going to add my voice to that. I'm not saying she doesn't have stellar logic - I'm just not convinced.

1. Desiring children with the man you love is as natural as breathing. 

Well, if it is natural, it must be good. (Did you know that it is also natural to want to have multiple sexual partners? To be prejudiced?) This is one of the oldest fallacies in the book.

2. The experience of delivering a new life to the world is singularly exhilarating. If you fear pain, there's this lovely thing called an epidural.  

 You think that this is my objection?! Let me share a secret with you: I am a determined person. If I am in pursuit of a goal, I can handle a lot of pain. And really, I don't have any doubts that if I wanted to have children, I would be very capable of handling the pain, as women have done for many thousands of years.

3. Breastfeeding: it's not only economical, efficient, and good for the baby, but it releases hormones that relax and calm both mother and child, lulling both of you to sleep. Who wouldn't want a natural nap-inducer?

Someone who wants to do something with her life, not sleep it away?

4. The world doesn't revolve around me and my daily desires.

No? A lot of this list sure seems to.

5. Every human being has dignity and worth.

I absolutely agree with this statement. I just don't see it as a reason to create new humans in order to meet my needs for love and fulfillment.

6. A child is an unbreakable bond between husband and wife. Love breeds love. And more love. And more. There's nothing more desirable than the father of your children. 

Hahahahaha! Yes, I have heard that if your marriage might be shaky, bringing a child into it will definitely make it all better.

7. A couple becomes a family -- the whole becomes greater than its parts. 

My husband and I are a family.

8. Having a child is a cooperation with the sacred.

Or nature. Whichever.

9. Children are some of the most charming little people I know: full of wonder, curiosity and innate kindness. Properly nurtured, they become equally charming adults. 

And so...? Again, I'm not necessarily disagreeing that children's minds aren't interesting. I just don't see how this leads to the conclusion that I should have a child.

10. You get to read all the favorite books of your childhood all over again.  

 I do this without procreating.

11. Children naturally grasp the lesson that people are more important than things. 

Uh, no they don't.

12. Children teach us the freedom that comes with self-discipline and self-sacrifice. 

Many jobs and lifestyles involve self-discipline and sacrifice.

13. The biggest drudgery is facing no one but myself day after day. 

Lady! Get a life! There are people "out there" on earth who have already been born! You don't have to make another one just to keep yourself entertained.

14. I am not ideal ... why should I expect my children to be? Kids teach us the joy of unconditional love and acceptance.

And the agony of rejection.

15. I will inevitably disappoint my children because I am not perfect. But, along the way, I'll be able to teach them that -- while nothing on this side of heaven is perfect -- the journey and the perfection that awaits us are worth every moment of trial on earth. 

That doesn't mean you have to go out looking for trials.

16. To remain or become a self-centered, self-enclosed egotist: what horror! 

Hey, you're the one talking about having a child just to entertain yourself.

17. Taking time to care for the gifts I've been given ... yes, thank you.

Again, the world is full of people, but you don't seem to be very interested in caring for them.

18. Motherhood is a vocation: fulfilling, rewarding, and full of unpredictable surprises. 

So is being a scientist.

19. Families: they are a reflection of the Trinity. 

Wait, I thought Trinity meant there were 3.  Vide infra reason #37.

20. Relive childhood and all of its innocent wonder and mirth. 

Did you know that not everyone has a childhood full of innocent wonder and mirth? You know all those missing children posters? Those kids are missing because there are predators in the world. That's part of childhood, too.

21. To persist in saying "me first" is a sign of immaturity. 

You mean as in, "me, I need a companion! Me! I need to be fulfilled!"

22. A child will ignite the fond memories of your own childhood. 

As will a scrapbook or photo album...

23. While you cannot ensure that your child will be happy 100% of the time, the desire for her happiness is a good, admirable and unselfish thing. 

Not wanting to have children has nothing to do with what I desire for children in general.

24. The enchantment of being with one's children outweighs any and all other difficulties. 

Keep telling yourself that. For myself, I will avoid creating the difficulties in the first place.

25. If you worry about sending them off to school, homeschooling is a delightful, intellectually stimulating option.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this. The homeschoolers I've met seem anything but intellectually stimulated or stimulating.

26. Do something to change the world. Have a child. Raise a saint.  

 Or have a child, raise a serial killer.

27. Revel in the simplicity of a child's unconditional love and trust. 

But not just any child? It has to be your child?

28. Parenting will soften your hard edges and sharpen your compassion and empathy. 

Yeah, I guess because I'm not a Mom I just don't care when I see suffering.

29. Motherhood is an insight into one's soul. It's better than analysis. 

Yes, it has obviously made you very insightful.

30. Success is not defined only in terms of what one does for money. To succeed as a mother is beyond worldly success.   

What I do at work is also not just for the big bucks (b/c I don't get them, haha). I find research intrinsically rewarding.

31. When your husband becomes the father of your children, a new man appears: fiercely loving but practical and still-logical, nurturing but fiercely strong and protective. You will fall in love with him all over again. 

Sometimes. And sometimes the father is outta there before the baby is even born.

32. The child to whom you give life may be the one to fight the culture of death and the notion of a brave new world. 

True. Or he could be the next mass-murdering, sadistic despot or a serial killer. They were children once, too.

33. "How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers." -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta 

According to your religion, children have souls. Flowers don't. And I hate to be so practical, but children require slightly more attention than flowers.

34. Children whittle away your time in ways that are ultimately beneficial: they have an uncanny knack for getting rid of the meaningless hobbies that used to consume you. 

You mean meaningless stuff like my personal interests? Causes I care about? I don't want that to be whittled away, thank you.

35. Watching a child grow into a caring, sensitive soul is a reward that cannot be measured in book sales. 

Once again, you forget that every predator was once a child. Many mothers have the pain not only of seeing their children grow into people who reject their values, but cause others great pain, too.

36. It's an awe-inspiring thing to have a child and the experience of feeling, "I didn't think I could ever love anyone that much." 

Because every non-mom is shallow. I know.

37. Already have a child? Have another. Siblings are the best birthday presents, Christmas presents, Father's Day presents, Arbor Day presents .... 

"Mommy and Daddy Are Bored with You" Day presents...

38. Baby toes. Need I say more? 

Yeah, an explanation would be helpful.

39. Okay, I'll say more. Watching your baby sleep: You didn't know that angels could be held in your arms.  

 Just because a creature is not big or strong enough to defy you doesn't mean that it is an angel.

40. Worried about money? What's worth more than a soul? 

Worried about logic? ...obviously not.

I don't hate everything.

Penguins. Because they are beautiful and adorable, incredibly tough, and adaptable (various species are indigenous to a variety of climates).

Rats. Because they are smart, curious, and sooo cute.

My new lab. I had almost forgotten that not every PI treated the whole lab like shit. It is such a relief to work with people who understand that as a student, I'm in training, so I have questions and will make mistakes. It feels wonderful to be the new kid, because I'm not expected to know everything. It's nice that my new mentor trusts me to work and study outside the lab. I love that she told me she has no problem if I come in at 11 a.m. after I exercise if that's what helps me have energy and focus. I am so happy to study with a PI who treats me like a human, not a data machine.

Alejandro. Who bought me an iPad for Christmas so that I could carry around hundreds of annotated papers, even though I didn't ask for it. (The app is iAnnotate PDF.) I adore the iPad, of course, but the best part of this whole situation was that he gave me a useful present to help me be more efficient and environmentally friendly, even though I've never complained to him about either issue.

My mom. For so many reasons. But especially because she encourages me to live the life I want.

My cat, even though she just walked across my iPad. :)