Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My translations of some "cute" sayings

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you." (Winnie the Pooh)
"I hope that you spend the last day of your life grieving and alone."


"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
-Anonymous. 
"...because God knows, she is not beautiful."


"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence."
-Albert Ellis
"I'm not a stalker...I'm just very skilled at the art of love."

"The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me."
-Sloan Wilson 
"Really, beggars can't be choosers."
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman 
"Just shut up and fuck me, ok?"

"There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart."
-Melanie Griffith, Milk Money
...just like in The Temple of Doom.

Michele Bachmann wants black babies, Latino babies, Asian babies.

What she apparently doesn't want is for women to have the right to decide about their reproductive health. This is funny because she thinks it's evil for the federal government to have anything to say about any other health issue.

Step 1. Put on a hat or wrap a towel or scarf around your head, to contain the mess when your head explodes.
Step 2.  Take a sedative so that you don't have the energy/motor skills to go around smashing things and people in your frustration and rage.
Step 3. Dial "91" on your cell phone so that when you start to have a stroke, you can just punch in the last "1." 
Step 4. Watch the video. Don't punch your computer; it's not his/her fault that Michele Bachmann is a dumb bitch.
Step 5. Clean up the mess from exploding head/let the sedative wear off/recover from your stroke.
Step 6. Sometimes it helps to write about your feelings, but we're not going to try that because there are no words for how ridiculous Michele Bachmann is or how much she disgusts me. Instead, think about what stood out to you from her speech, and write down what you would like to say to her. Here is mine, as an example.
     First, I agree with you that the federal government should not take over health care. (I do not agree that this is what "Obamacare" does, but that's beside the point.) This is one reason why I believe that women should have access to safe, legal abortions, and that the government should trust the individual to make her own healthcare choices. Second, I think that it's very interesting you blame poor minorities for this country's problems, yet state that America needs more "black...Latino...Asian babies." Third, I think that this country does not need 50 million more people (not that I know where you came up with that figure). Fourth, it is not always "the easy way out" to have an abortion; sometimes it would seem easier to have an unwanted/unexpected child and conform to our pro-natalist, child-obsessed society. Fifth, if you think that abortion is "violence" on the body, think about the process of childbirth. I know that you have experience with this, because you have five children (as you delight in reminding us). Sixth, parenthood is not pure joy. I know that you are just propagating the myth that you've been brainwashed to believe, but try to be a little realistic. Seventh, I know that there are many people who would love to have babies, but can't. I respect their struggles. However, I don't get your logic..."Because someone else wants something which she can't have, I must have it." Huh?! Eighth, I am sorry that you lost a child. I respect your grief and I'm not belittling the experience or how it has affected you. But me (or anyone else) giving birth is not going to replace that individual. Ninth, I would like to point out that each of those 50 million (again I'm using your figure just for the sake of argument, not because I know the source or have any confidence in it) children would have left an enormous carbon footprint, which would make things worse for the rest of Earth. But I won't bring this up, because you don't believe that global warming exists. Tenth, it was really good of you to take in 23 foster children, and actually put your money where your mouth is (unlike so many people who demand women have unwanted babies but are nowhere to be found when those unwanted babies are needy). I really respect that. What I don't respect is your belief that that entitles you to belittle women's decisions about their own bodies, take away their rights to reproductive health services, or propagate myths about childbearing and parenthood.
Step 7. Sigh. Probably you would not convince the Congresswoman of anything, no matter how right you were or how well you explained it.
Step 8. Think about how many people have heard the same message that she's spreading - if not from her, then from other sources. Then, consider making your ideas available to them, too...through volunteering, donations, or just speaking out in conversation when you hear this kind of crap. Most people hear enough anti-choice rhetoric to know that people who hold those beliefs have certain reasons for doing so, and are very passionate about them. I would like more people to realize that many pro-choice individuals have given a lot of thought to their position on abortion, and that they can articulate the reasons for that position - and that it's important enough to them that they are willing to do so.